Monday, September 18, 2006

Deja Voodoo Review

It is. Simply put. Deja voodoo. Because it not only feels as though you have been there before. You actually have and. You cannot seem to stop going back. To that place. As if you are under some sort of spell.

Deja voodoo.

I have been trapped in. Deja voodoo as of late and. Perhaps forever. And it is incredibly easy to ignore. Because we are all very very busy. And we all seem to require a bit of denial every now and then. However I would. Prefer to have it become more then-than-now. So last night I turned to my housemate Stash and asked him.

I asked him if he felt as if he is living his life as if it could end with his next breath. And I did this because he happens to be an expert on the subject. I respect his opinion and I knew that he would not merely provide the brief "yes/no" answer. Rather he would engage me further in my own inquiry and. Travel with me down the road of yellow brick.

And I cannot help but wonder how it is so that we. Learn lessons and forget lesson before our cocoa can cool. How is it that I could have worked. With terminally ill people for more years than I care to. Recollect and have forgotten the secret to. Living. Living. Living. And perhaps this doesn't matter. But what very well might is my own perceptions. And fear.

Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of injury. Fear of embarassment. Fear of poverty. Fear of retribution. Fear of insanity. Fear of success.

Yes. Fear of success and. I am also afraid that. Afraid that it really is as. Simple as it appears to be.

I do not do and have not done what I should do and should have done due to. One or more of the above. Simply and simplistically. And I do not want this anymore. Someone else can have it. Yes it is slightly used dysfunction but. It remains fully functioning and in. Great shape. Almost new in appearance. And the best part is that it is free. One hundred percent no charge. F-R-E-E.

So I am going to leave all of my. Insecurities and over-analysis on the curb. Put an add in the FREE section of the newspaper. Tack enormous crayon signs with. Childlike scrawl. Free. FREE. FREE! Hell...I might very well even pay you to dispose of it all.

Take it away and. Do not make any effort at any future point in time to. Return anything. I will not be home.

So let us all. Take and give risk. Do things that we know we. Cannot do well. Challenge ourselves and each other to. Break out of our mold and try on. Some other skin for at least a moment. Speak honestly and show love fully. Lose our minds and then. Find them again in far away places or. Three blocks away.

Perhaps for a moment we can. Drop the pretense. Let go of the cynical thought and. Believe idealistically. Fingerpaint on walls and. Trapse through half collapsed buildings. Dye our hair blue and attend an opera. Tell someone we love that we do. Do wonderful things anonymously.

Maybe it is time for a. Ritual burning of all that holds us in deja voodoo. Maybe it's time for. New ceremony and letting go.

And starting over.

So let us meet on. Saturday afternoon for formal tea in. Fishnet and crazy hats or. Hide small treasures in the park for. Others to find. Maybe we can let go of. Everything that keeps us from living as we. Should be. Maybe I can.