Sunday, June 18, 2006

Sometimes Fishnets and Face Paint are NOT the Best Idea

The Soy and the Sprinkel arrived...late. I expected as much and therefore requested an earlier arrival to account for such. And after I completed painting of spirals and the adjusting of fishnet hose. Sprinkle knotted roller skates and debated leg warmer placement. Soy donned cowboy hat. Adjusted the macular degeneration visor. And primped like the rock star we all know and love. We were ready. Out the door. On our way.

Even though we were early we were late. Nevertheless we located a choice spot toward the beginning of the festivities. In a moment of brilliance Soy explained that the energy would be high at the beginning. Therefore this was prime real estate.

And after too much foul language. Balloon moving requests. Discussions of scaffolding structures. And being touched inappropriately by a furry four legged creature. The festivities began.

I give kudos to every individual secure enough in their own skin to hang high and low and to the left and right. Each expressing their own individual beauty.

Later in the day I caught a glimpse of myself in a mirror. And I realized that I had actually obtained a fair amount of sun. And when I say "fair amount" I mean a whole hell of a lot of sun. And then I realized something.

I have several spirals painted on my face with waterproof black eyeliner. Shit. This could be problematic.

So I did what any sane individual would do. I refused to wash my face with the hope that remaining in denial about the possible ramifications of my actions would enable me a bit of peace. But I certainly couldn't remain in denial for all eternity. So after a few drinks at the illustrious Denny's Lounge made by our lovely bartender. And a brief conversation with the mysterious Maverick. Finalizing the evening with the tattooed and heavily pierced fine as hell man at the Ballard Market. I returned home. And washed my face.

Sprinkle remained with me for moral support. That and she needed a bit of time to sober up. And I can say to my lovely readers that my spirals may be around a bit longer than I originally anticipated. That and the fact that in a day or two my upper right thigh will appear to exhibit a lovely golden waffle pattern.

Happy Solstice!

Friday, June 16, 2006

Be Afraid of Your Keyboard. Be Very Afraid.

It seems that everything is about something or something else or something over there or something over here that we are supposed to fear. Here is yet another example of a seemingly innocent object that we should be very very afraid of. Be careful. It's an incredibly dangerous world out there...or so we've be told!

My new and improved keyboard -- complete with functioning a, q and z keys -- includes a health warning. There is a tag located on the cord of the keyboard that reads as follows:

See bottom of keyboard for HEALTH WARNING! DO NOT REMOVE THIS TAG!

So. Being one of those girls that always does exactly what she is told I turned the keyboard over to view this important "health warning" immediately. This is an exact quote of the health warning:


Use of a keyboard or mouse may be linked to serious injuries or disorders.

When using a computer, as with many activities, you may experience occasional discomfort in your hands, arms, shoulders, neck, or other parts of your body. However, if you experience symptoms such as persistent recurring discomfort, pain, throbbing, aching, tingling, numbness, burning sensation, or stiffness DO NOT IGNORE THESE WARNING SIGNS. PROMPTLY SEE A QUALIFIED HEALTH PROFESSIONAL, even if symptoms occur when you are not working at your computer. Symptoms like these can be associated with painful and sometimes permanently disabling injuries or disorders of the nerves, muscles, tendons or other parts of the body. These musculoskeletal disorders (MSDs) include carpal tunnel syndrome, tendonitis, tenosynovitis and other conditions.

While researchers are not yet able to answer many questions about MSDs, there is agreement that many factors may be linked to their occurrence including: overall health, stress and how one copes with it, medical and physical conditions, and how a person positions and uses his or her body during work and other activities (including use of a keyboard or mouse). The amount of time a person performs an activity may also be a factor.

Some guidelines that may help you work more comfortably with your computer and possibly reduce your risk of experiencing an MSD can be found in the "Healthy Computing Guide" installed with the device's software. If this device did not come with software see the "Healthy Computing Guide" section of the "Getting Started" manual. You can also access the "Healthy Computing Guide" and UNNAMED MAMMOTH COMPUTER or (in the United States, only) by calling UNDISCLOSED TOLL FREE PHONE NUMBER to request a CD at no charge.

If you have questions about how your own lifestyle, activities, or medical or physical condition may be related to MSDs, see a qualified health professional.

I am certainly not a qualified health professional. In fact. I must admit to all of you that I am not even an unqualified health professional. But I for one have grown weary of all of these things that we are supposed to fear. This is not to minimize repetitive movement injuries. I am certain that they are quite serious indeed. But is it quite so necessary to create such dramatic panic.

We have become a nation of terrified individuals. And this terror has caused us to shift our focus from the many important and signficant things that perhaps we should be afraid of, to a miriad of insignficant topics instilling fear and paralyzing us into non-action. Such fearful tactics are used by both the right and the left in order to futher their own agenda.

Perhaps it is time we discover OUR own agenda. Perhaps it is time that we shed light on this trickery. Perhaps it is time for us to look beyond the surface and make our own decisions about what we deem significant.

Tuesday, June 13, 2006

The Case of the Disappearing A Q and Z

Today I discovered something very important. I discovered that there are a great many words in the english language that incorporate either the letter a, q or z. I came to this realization because this afternoon my keyboard decided that it no longer wished to type those letters. I'm not really sure why. I made an effort to inquire as to why this might be so. Unfortunately my investigation was not fruitful.

I attempted to perform minor surgery on the a, q and z keys. Sadly, they didn't make it.

So after various attempts and still no functioning a, q or z, I did the only thing I could do under the circumstances. I decided to call our receptionist. The conversation went something like this:

ME: Hey. Can you do me a favor?
Receptionist: Well uh...yeah. I guess so.
ME: Could you send me an email with a lower case a, q and z, and an upper case A, Q and Z?
Receptionist: Uh. You want me to...uh. Yeah. Okay.
ME: Thanks.

Our receptionist has not been with us long. But clearly she has realized that we are all insane and that it is often better not to ask questions and simply comply with our requests.

So now I have access to a, q and z, and A, Q and Z. It is somewhat akin to a "break glass in case of emergency" situation. Only it doesn't require any glass breaking. Perhaps I should enclose a full set of the alphabet behind glass. Just in case.

However, I soon realized that cutting and pasting these letters into the text of pertinent emails is a rather tedious task and truly a pain in the ass. Close to the end of the day and I need to send an email to the other members of my office. I decide that they are all a very smart bunch of individuals and they will figure out what I am trying to say without the use of a, q or z.

The email looked something like this:

Hey Everyone. In the interest of sving time nd energy nd not driving the receptionist insne I forwrded ll of the WCDL list messges regrding bckline numbers for her to compre with those we lredy hve nd updte s necessry. She should hve them ll now so no need to forwrd to her. Thnks.

Attorney Number Four approached me shortly after the sending of the message. She thought perhaps I had sent some sort of coded spam that would cause her computer to spontaneously combust in thirteen seconds. I told her that I have no a, q or z. And if she just adds a few a's my message should be clear.

Funny thing about not having an a, q or z. You cannot exactly explain that you are missing these keys in your message don't have them.

Perhaps tomorrow I will be able to acquire a new keyboard. Maybe I will no longer have a t, b or o.

Something exciting to look forward to. Well. Not exactly.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Exciting Epiphanies Twice Daily with a Side of Something Sparkly and Spectacular

Life is exciting. Every tiny moment is wonderful. Beautiful. Even the shitty moments. Well. Fine. Not every shitty moment. I have certainly had many truly shitty moments that were not wonderful. But perhaps something wonderful eventually took root from said shit. For it is true that shit has amazing fertilizing properties. So perhaps shit is necessary for the growth of tremendous beauty.

I find it essential for one's own sanity to find laugher in the worst of moments. Finding humor in madness is critical in order to continue to experience beauty in one's own life.

This isn't always always a simple process. It is often easy to forget such things. We forget to become excited about life. We forget to live in balance. We forget what it means to live with passion.

And when I witness such things it saddens me. For I would rather die than live a life without passion.

Every day should be full of tiny epiphanies. Every moment filled with wide eyed wonder. My very wise friend commented to me recently about my frequent epiphanies. To paraphrase him (using a tremendous amount of creative license) he explained that I would not be the person that I am if I wasn't in a constant state of epiphany.

And as always, he is absolutely correct. Of course I never realized this until he brought it to my attention. It is possible that I over epiphanize. But I accept this as part of who I am. Another one of my little eccentricities that I find rather delightful indeed.

As of late I have been epiphanizing. Considering my various forms of relationships with other human beans. And I have discovered that I have on occasion permitted others to treat me less than I would prefer to be treated. I realized this while examining the history of a very long friendship. And I realized that this friend has always treated me exactly how I should be treated. Exactly how I want to be treated by another human bean.

I could most certainly make a list of the many wonderful things about this particular friend. I will refrain. However, I will say that sometimes it is pretty fucking wonderful for another human bean to simply act in such a way that you are fully aware of the fact that said bean thinks you are fucking amazing. And perhaps I once thought this was somewhat selfish on my part to want a bean to think such things about me. But perhaps I was wrong. Maybe I was too afraid because I thought perhaps the bean would not really mean it. Or even more afraid that said bean would mean every word.

In replaying bits and pieces of my very long friendship I realized that in many ways this friendship was everything that I could ever hope for in any relationship in my life. I feel quite fortunate to have this individual in my life. And I know that this bean will in many ways become the model of what I hope to achieve in other relationships. This friend reminds me what I am worth. What we are all worth.

And in experiencing such epiphany I became fully aware of other relationships in my life and the need to let go of bits and pieces that do not meet the standard. Perhaps we often confuse various feelings for what is truly our own bruised ego over not having our particular and often peculiar needs met. Realizing this makes the letting go process more sensical and quite natural. This is what returns us to more of a balanced state of being.

In such a state we are able to live more fully and more passionately. We become less afraid and more willing to embrace risk. In these moments we are able to find delight in the most simple of experiences. We become more open and more accepting. And perhaps we even find a way to permit others to achieve a higher level of security clearance without ever form filled out in triplicate.