May I Please Have One Quarter Pound of Time and a Side of Lime

I am of the belief that life is a beautiful and precious thing. And given this personal truth I am quite careful as to what I do with the time that I have on this planet. This is especially true because I do not know exactly how much time I am working with.

It would have been nice to begin life with the gift of knowing approximately how much sand I have going in the hourglass. But that didn't happen. So I have to guess. And since I am not a very good guesser I figure that anything could happen. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. And that would suck.

So. Given that I could be hit by a bus tomorrow I feel that I should be somewhat particular as to how I spend the little bit of time I have remaining. Unfortunately there are a variety of things that take time away from other more interesting things that at the moment I cannot not choose. As I am not independently wealthy I must work. This is fine most days as I do actually enjoy my job the majority of the time. But this does not mean that there might not be something else on the list of things to do that I would rather be doing.

And given that my housemate expects me to pay my share of the rent and given that I am far too obsessive compulsive and vain to live on the street it is necessary for me to derive income in order to pay said rent.

And work takes up a great deal of the aforementioned precious time. Who decided that a forty hour work week was acceptable? Seriously. I would much prefer a six hour day for four days per week at my current rate of pay. However as I have not yet lost my mind I am fully aware that this will not happen any time in the near or distant future.

But I digress. Because this post isn't about a shorter work week. Not that this would be a bad thing to discuss. But a discussion for another time indeed.

Rather, this post is about time. And more specifically my precious and valuable time. I do not mean this to imply that my time is any more precious or valuable than your time. But simply that time is the greatest commodity. And we should treat it as such.

Which brings me to my point. Recently I had another epiphany. Yes. Go make some cocoa and come back and read my epiphany. Because ephipanies should be read while drinking cocoa.

I realized that I can no longer continue to permit situations in my life that disrespect me such that they devalue my time. Do not devalue my time people. That is not delicious. I do not appreciate it.

This means if you want to see me -- naked or otherwise -- then do so. And be on time. If you cannot be on time for some reason then I am more than willing to be understanding, but it should be a good reason.

It should be because you were getting me a present. That is a good reason for you to be late meeting with me.

There might be a few other good reasons but I cannot think of any at the moment. I'll keep you posted.

What it really boils down to is you should do what you say you are going to do. Have enough respect for others to make an effort not to waste my precious time. Life happens and we should all be understanding of such life related things, but if you are a perpetual flake and cannot seem to get it together than you should know that I will not be making an effort to continue a friendship with you.

My time and my life are valuable. You should think so too.

And if you do not then perhaps you should rethink the friendship as well.

We -- as in the collective we -- seem to spend a great deal of time complaining about the behavior of other people. But we -- collective again -- do not seem to do much about it. It is almost as if many in said aforementioned collective forget that we have a choice.

Who. What. When. Where. How.

Seriously. It's not just for reporters anymore. Take charge and control of your own life. I say this as much for myself as I do for everyone else on the planet. Value you life every day. Value it more than you do in this moment.

Five Thankful Things

I had planned write a fairly extensive imperalist holiday post about the many things that I am currently thankful for in my life. However I realized that this post would be like many other postings and decided that there are really five things that I need to address at the moment, rather than the complete multitude of things for which I am most grateful. This is not meant to slight anyone or anything, but it may actually be true that there is a time and a place for brevity.

Consider this the first and last time for me. And truth be told this began as three things, but after I typed the three I realized that there were two more additional things to add for sense to be made out of the whole.

So without further introduction or subsequent comment I will lay out the five things that I am currently thankful for at the moment. And these things all involve an expression of gratitude to my Very Wise Friend.

* Thank you for asking a crazy girl to marry you on your first date with her so many years ago and subsequently moving to Portland due to said proposal.

* Thank you for deciding it would be in your best interest to work at an UNNAMED CONVENIENCE STORE in a small suburban Oregon town.

* Thank you for coming back home.

* Thank you for dragging me to eat grilled cheese and drink sugary coffee after your art show at the UNNAMED COFFEE SHOP LOCATED IN THE GARAGE NEXT TO THE TATTOO SHOP last year.

* And finally (at least for this posting) thank you for falling in love with an amazing woman, deciding to become a tattoo artist, and moving to Olympia (in no particular order) and for having wonderful friends who felt the need to throw you a going away party.

You have my utmost gratitude. More than you could possibly know.

Terrorist Shampoo Airline Action

Apparently I am completely out of touch with what is going on in the world these days. I'm not quite certain how that happened. Perhaps I blinked. Maybe I have been avoiding. But it is critical that I share this information with you. Perhaps you already know because you have not blinked and you have not been avoiding. Nevertheless it is important enough worth repeating.

Moments ago I was sitting at my desk when I received a call from an attorney I work for who was at her home packing for a trip she is taking out of town. She explained that due to an aggressive cat family that has moved in outside of her house she was unable to travel past the sliding glass door to her computer to look up the answer to several questions about her trip. Not wanting to cause tension between her and the aggressive cat family she thought she would call me at the office for assistance instead.

Given my employment situation this seemed perfectly reasonable so I asked her how I could help. She wanted to know what liquid or liquid-like items she would be permitted to carry on to the airplane. I did not quite understand her question and explained that I was quite perplexed. She informed me that there have been new regulations outlining what liquid and liquid-like items were permissible to pack in one's carry on luggage.

I was shocked. But I soon discovered that this was not a practical joke. It took no more than a quick Google search to determine that she was in fact correct and I was completely out of touch with this vital newsworthy news. It would appear that there is some great fear by the TSA with respect to liquid and liquid-like items carried on to an airplane.

After hearing about these new regulations I realized how fortunate I am that the attorney was traveling and that the aggressive cat family prohibited her from walking past her sliding glass door and discovering the answer to her own question. What might have happened if I boarded an airplane in the near future without this vital information. I could certainly imagine carrying four ounces of Bert's Bee's shampoo which would have been far outside of the allowable three ounce limit. And what horrors might have I have endured if I brought a full tube of Tom's of Maine wintermint toothpaste in my carry on luggage. I shudder to think. Perhaps I would have been transported to Guantanimo as a suspected terrorist. Not even my legal connections would have been able to assist me under such circumstances. And given the Terrorism Detainee Bill I might never have been heard from again. Thanks Liza!

So yes. Thankfully the attorney is traveling and she thought it wise to contact me. I owe her my life and liberty. And I strongly urge you to visit the TSA Permitted and Prohibited Liquid and Liquid-Like Item Site and memorize it immediately. I would hate for any of you to be executed for traveling with too much conditioner. Even if you do have excessively dry hair.

I will not relay all of the points on the TSA site for you. However I will provide you with some of the more important points to consider. Because I care. So here we go. Please take notes. Bookmark this page. Do whatever you must but please oh PLEASE do not fuck this up. Your life and liberty may depend on it.

First it is IMPERITIVE that no liquid or liquid-like product be in a container larger than three ounces. This is grounds for immediate deportation to a country located in the Axis of Evil. The TSA website actually refers to these products as "liquids, gels and aerosols" if you are not certain whether your product falls into the LG and A category or not I highly recommend you assume that it does for your own safety.

Second. You should know that all of your LG and A toiletry products must fit "comfortably" in a one quart zip top clear plastic bag. I for one am quite pleased that TSA is concered with the comfort of toiletry products. Someone must be looking out for their welfare and civil rights. It is unacceptable to cram one's toiletry products and cause it discomfort. Please keep in mind that the United States of America will not accept mistreatment of toiletry products. Power to the people!

Third. For those of you concerned about packing products of a more sensitive nature you should know that TSA respects and understands your concerns. Therefore travelers are permitted to carry as MUCH KY Jelly as they deem necessary without adhering to the LG and A guidelines. In fact travelers are permitted to carry as MUCH prescription and over the counter medications as they might deem necessary. Therefore feel free to pack your carry on full of pseudophedrine if you so choose.

Finally cigar cutters, corkscrews, knitting and crochet needles, nail files, and scissors with metal pointed tips -- provided the blade is less than four inches in length -- are permitted in carry on luggage. Wonderful. I feel much safer now.

But thank goodness that the TSA was smart enough to prohibit the carrying of too much mouthwash for our safety. Now I can relax. Thanks TSA!

Orange Juice and the Sunday Newspaper

Many years ago I had an in-depth conversation about orange juice with my very wise friend before I was aware of the fact that he was very wise. He articulated utter delight in a tall glass of orange juice coupled with newspaper reading on a Sunday morning. I articulated that I was adamantly opposed to orange juice during this conversation. I exclaimed loudly that I neither wanted nor did I need orange juice. I told him that I thought orange juice was icky. And orange juice coupled with the Sunday newspaper was almost too much to consider.

And I did not realize it at the time, but I was afraid of orange juice. I ran from it. I ran as if my life depended on it. The mere thought of orange juice was enough to make me feel anxious. Even artificial orange flavoring made me itch.

But sometimes I would pretend that I did not have an orange juice phobia. Because I wanted to feel normal. And people tend to look at you with a wiggly eye if they learn that you are afraid of orange juice. So when I wasn't refusing orange juice I purposefully sought it out from places that clearly did not offer it. I pretended that it was perfectly normal to ask for orange juice at the hardware store. I looked for it under rocks in the desert. I inquired about obtaining it at the dentist's office. And each time I was unsuccessful in my feeble attempt to obtain the beverage. I never acknowledged the fact that I might be purposefully sabotaging my own quest for juice.

And then things got completely out of hand. I tried to purchase the Sunday paper on Thursday.

Denial is powerful. And I remained in denial about orange juice for quite some time. I couldn't admit that I was terrified at the risk of diving into a tall glass of ice cold orange juice. Certain that it would be the end of me. I would most certainly drown. I imagined losing my identity in the sweet round fruit. Or I feared that I would develop a fondness for the beverage and then it would disappear forever. So to protect myself I became adamately opposed to orange juice. Because I was afraid. And it seemed easier not to care about oranges at all.

But then something changed.

In the most unlikely place I found an amazing supply of orange juice. I wasn't inquiring about oranges. And even though they were in my line of sight for quite some time I didn't notice them. But then I did. And the amazing orange juice supply seemed to not only sense my fear. But understood. I'm talking about tree ripened organic oranges. Fresh squeezed juice folks. The perfect blend of sweet and tangy. And the most beautiful orange color I have ever seen.

And I must admit that it scares the crap out of me. Seriously. Maybe that makes me weird. I'm pretty well certain that it does. But I have decided something. This isn't an ephiphany mind you. Rather I decided to make a conscious effort to accept my fear of orange juice. And take a risk anyway. I have decided to open myself to the idea of orange juice and the Sunday newspaper. I thought I would lose it completely after the first sip. But I didn't. Sometimes I still get a bit nervous around oranges. But I think that I am going to do just fine.

Deja Voodoo Review

It is. Simply put. Deja voodoo. Because it not only feels as though you have been there before. You actually have and. You cannot seem to stop going back. To that place. As if you are under some sort of spell.

Deja voodoo.

I have been trapped in. Deja voodoo as of late and. Perhaps forever. And it is incredibly easy to ignore. Because we are all very very busy. And we all seem to require a bit of denial every now and then. However I would. Prefer to have it become more then-than-now. So last night I turned to my housemate Stash and asked him.

I asked him if he felt as if he is living his life as if it could end with his next breath. And I did this because he happens to be an expert on the subject. I respect his opinion and I knew that he would not merely provide the brief "yes/no" answer. Rather he would engage me further in my own inquiry and. Travel with me down the road of yellow brick.

And I cannot help but wonder how it is so that we. Learn lessons and forget lesson before our cocoa can cool. How is it that I could have worked. With terminally ill people for more years than I care to. Recollect and have forgotten the secret to. Living. Living. Living. And perhaps this doesn't matter. But what very well might is my own perceptions. And fear.

Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of injury. Fear of embarassment. Fear of poverty. Fear of retribution. Fear of insanity. Fear of success.

Yes. Fear of success and. I am also afraid that. Afraid that it really is as. Simple as it appears to be.

I do not do and have not done what I should do and should have done due to. One or more of the above. Simply and simplistically. And I do not want this anymore. Someone else can have it. Yes it is slightly used dysfunction but. It remains fully functioning and in. Great shape. Almost new in appearance. And the best part is that it is free. One hundred percent no charge. F-R-E-E.

So I am going to leave all of my. Insecurities and over-analysis on the curb. Put an add in the FREE section of the newspaper. Tack enormous crayon signs with. Childlike scrawl. Free. FREE. FREE! Hell...I might very well even pay you to dispose of it all.

Take it away and. Do not make any effort at any future point in time to. Return anything. I will not be home.

So let us all. Take and give risk. Do things that we know we. Cannot do well. Challenge ourselves and each other to. Break out of our mold and try on. Some other skin for at least a moment. Speak honestly and show love fully. Lose our minds and then. Find them again in far away places or. Three blocks away.

Perhaps for a moment we can. Drop the pretense. Let go of the cynical thought and. Believe idealistically. Fingerpaint on walls and. Trapse through half collapsed buildings. Dye our hair blue and attend an opera. Tell someone we love that we do. Do wonderful things anonymously.

Maybe it is time for a. Ritual burning of all that holds us in deja voodoo. Maybe it's time for. New ceremony and letting go.

And starting over.

So let us meet on. Saturday afternoon for formal tea in. Fishnet and crazy hats or. Hide small treasures in the park for. Others to find. Maybe we can let go of. Everything that keeps us from living as we. Should be. Maybe I can.