Terrorist Shampoo Airline Action

Apparently I am completely out of touch with what is going on in the world these days. I'm not quite certain how that happened. Perhaps I blinked. Maybe I have been avoiding. But it is critical that I share this information with you. Perhaps you already know because you have not blinked and you have not been avoiding. Nevertheless it is important enough worth repeating.

Moments ago I was sitting at my desk when I received a call from an attorney I work for who was at her home packing for a trip she is taking out of town. She explained that due to an aggressive cat family that has moved in outside of her house she was unable to travel past the sliding glass door to her computer to look up the answer to several questions about her trip. Not wanting to cause tension between her and the aggressive cat family she thought she would call me at the office for assistance instead.

Given my employment situation this seemed perfectly reasonable so I asked her how I could help. She wanted to know what liquid or liquid-like items she would be permitted to carry on to the airplane. I did not quite understand her question and explained that I was quite perplexed. She informed me that there have been new regulations outlining what liquid and liquid-like items were permissible to pack in one's carry on luggage.

I was shocked. But I soon discovered that this was not a practical joke. It took no more than a quick Google search to determine that she was in fact correct and I was completely out of touch with this vital newsworthy news. It would appear that there is some great fear by the TSA with respect to liquid and liquid-like items carried on to an airplane.

After hearing about these new regulations I realized how fortunate I am that the attorney was traveling and that the aggressive cat family prohibited her from walking past her sliding glass door and discovering the answer to her own question. What might have happened if I boarded an airplane in the near future without this vital information. I could certainly imagine carrying four ounces of Bert's Bee's shampoo which would have been far outside of the allowable three ounce limit. And what horrors might have I have endured if I brought a full tube of Tom's of Maine wintermint toothpaste in my carry on luggage. I shudder to think. Perhaps I would have been transported to Guantanimo as a suspected terrorist. Not even my legal connections would have been able to assist me under such circumstances. And given the Terrorism Detainee Bill I might never have been heard from again. Thanks Liza!

So yes. Thankfully the attorney is traveling and she thought it wise to contact me. I owe her my life and liberty. And I strongly urge you to visit the TSA Permitted and Prohibited Liquid and Liquid-Like Item Site and memorize it immediately. I would hate for any of you to be executed for traveling with too much conditioner. Even if you do have excessively dry hair.

I will not relay all of the points on the TSA site for you. However I will provide you with some of the more important points to consider. Because I care. So here we go. Please take notes. Bookmark this page. Do whatever you must but please oh PLEASE do not fuck this up. Your life and liberty may depend on it.

First it is IMPERITIVE that no liquid or liquid-like product be in a container larger than three ounces. This is grounds for immediate deportation to a country located in the Axis of Evil. The TSA website actually refers to these products as "liquids, gels and aerosols" if you are not certain whether your product falls into the LG and A category or not I highly recommend you assume that it does for your own safety.

Second. You should know that all of your LG and A toiletry products must fit "comfortably" in a one quart zip top clear plastic bag. I for one am quite pleased that TSA is concered with the comfort of toiletry products. Someone must be looking out for their welfare and civil rights. It is unacceptable to cram one's toiletry products and cause it discomfort. Please keep in mind that the United States of America will not accept mistreatment of toiletry products. Power to the people!

Third. For those of you concerned about packing products of a more sensitive nature you should know that TSA respects and understands your concerns. Therefore travelers are permitted to carry as MUCH KY Jelly as they deem necessary without adhering to the LG and A guidelines. In fact travelers are permitted to carry as MUCH prescription and over the counter medications as they might deem necessary. Therefore feel free to pack your carry on full of pseudophedrine if you so choose.

Finally cigar cutters, corkscrews, knitting and crochet needles, nail files, and scissors with metal pointed tips -- provided the blade is less than four inches in length -- are permitted in carry on luggage. Wonderful. I feel much safer now.

But thank goodness that the TSA was smart enough to prohibit the carrying of too much mouthwash for our safety. Now I can relax. Thanks TSA!

Orange Juice and the Sunday Newspaper

Many years ago I had an in-depth conversation about orange juice with my very wise friend before I was aware of the fact that he was very wise. He articulated utter delight in a tall glass of orange juice coupled with newspaper reading on a Sunday morning. I articulated that I was adamantly opposed to orange juice during this conversation. I exclaimed loudly that I neither wanted nor did I need orange juice. I told him that I thought orange juice was icky. And orange juice coupled with the Sunday newspaper was almost too much to consider.

And I did not realize it at the time, but I was afraid of orange juice. I ran from it. I ran as if my life depended on it. The mere thought of orange juice was enough to make me feel anxious. Even artificial orange flavoring made me itch.

But sometimes I would pretend that I did not have an orange juice phobia. Because I wanted to feel normal. And people tend to look at you with a wiggly eye if they learn that you are afraid of orange juice. So when I wasn't refusing orange juice I purposefully sought it out from places that clearly did not offer it. I pretended that it was perfectly normal to ask for orange juice at the hardware store. I looked for it under rocks in the desert. I inquired about obtaining it at the dentist's office. And each time I was unsuccessful in my feeble attempt to obtain the beverage. I never acknowledged the fact that I might be purposefully sabotaging my own quest for juice.

And then things got completely out of hand. I tried to purchase the Sunday paper on Thursday.

Denial is powerful. And I remained in denial about orange juice for quite some time. I couldn't admit that I was terrified at the risk of diving into a tall glass of ice cold orange juice. Certain that it would be the end of me. I would most certainly drown. I imagined losing my identity in the sweet round fruit. Or I feared that I would develop a fondness for the beverage and then it would disappear forever. So to protect myself I became adamately opposed to orange juice. Because I was afraid. And it seemed easier not to care about oranges at all.

But then something changed.

In the most unlikely place I found an amazing supply of orange juice. I wasn't inquiring about oranges. And even though they were in my line of sight for quite some time I didn't notice them. But then I did. And the amazing orange juice supply seemed to not only sense my fear. But understood. I'm talking about tree ripened organic oranges. Fresh squeezed juice folks. The perfect blend of sweet and tangy. And the most beautiful orange color I have ever seen.

And I must admit that it scares the crap out of me. Seriously. Maybe that makes me weird. I'm pretty well certain that it does. But I have decided something. This isn't an ephiphany mind you. Rather I decided to make a conscious effort to accept my fear of orange juice. And take a risk anyway. I have decided to open myself to the idea of orange juice and the Sunday newspaper. I thought I would lose it completely after the first sip. But I didn't. Sometimes I still get a bit nervous around oranges. But I think that I am going to do just fine.

Deja Voodoo Review

It is. Simply put. Deja voodoo. Because it not only feels as though you have been there before. You actually have and. You cannot seem to stop going back. To that place. As if you are under some sort of spell.

Deja voodoo.

I have been trapped in. Deja voodoo as of late and. Perhaps forever. And it is incredibly easy to ignore. Because we are all very very busy. And we all seem to require a bit of denial every now and then. However I would. Prefer to have it become more then-than-now. So last night I turned to my housemate Stash and asked him.

I asked him if he felt as if he is living his life as if it could end with his next breath. And I did this because he happens to be an expert on the subject. I respect his opinion and I knew that he would not merely provide the brief "yes/no" answer. Rather he would engage me further in my own inquiry and. Travel with me down the road of yellow brick.

And I cannot help but wonder how it is so that we. Learn lessons and forget lesson before our cocoa can cool. How is it that I could have worked. With terminally ill people for more years than I care to. Recollect and have forgotten the secret to. Living. Living. Living. And perhaps this doesn't matter. But what very well might is my own perceptions. And fear.

Fear of rejection. Fear of abandonment. Fear of failure. Fear of injury. Fear of embarassment. Fear of poverty. Fear of retribution. Fear of insanity. Fear of success.

Yes. Fear of success and. I am also afraid that. Afraid that it really is as. Simple as it appears to be.

I do not do and have not done what I should do and should have done due to. One or more of the above. Simply and simplistically. And I do not want this anymore. Someone else can have it. Yes it is slightly used dysfunction but. It remains fully functioning and in. Great shape. Almost new in appearance. And the best part is that it is free. One hundred percent no charge. F-R-E-E.

So I am going to leave all of my. Insecurities and over-analysis on the curb. Put an add in the FREE section of the newspaper. Tack enormous crayon signs with. Childlike scrawl. Free. FREE. FREE! Hell...I might very well even pay you to dispose of it all.

Take it away and. Do not make any effort at any future point in time to. Return anything. I will not be home.

So let us all. Take and give risk. Do things that we know we. Cannot do well. Challenge ourselves and each other to. Break out of our mold and try on. Some other skin for at least a moment. Speak honestly and show love fully. Lose our minds and then. Find them again in far away places or. Three blocks away.

Perhaps for a moment we can. Drop the pretense. Let go of the cynical thought and. Believe idealistically. Fingerpaint on walls and. Trapse through half collapsed buildings. Dye our hair blue and attend an opera. Tell someone we love that we do. Do wonderful things anonymously.

Maybe it is time for a. Ritual burning of all that holds us in deja voodoo. Maybe it's time for. New ceremony and letting go.

And starting over.

So let us meet on. Saturday afternoon for formal tea in. Fishnet and crazy hats or. Hide small treasures in the park for. Others to find. Maybe we can let go of. Everything that keeps us from living as we. Should be. Maybe I can.

¡Viva La Revolución -- Resist the Ballast!

Last night I was eating a delicious. Waffle and I decided it would be advantageous to call my. Very wise friend who I adore more than most things including. Delicious waffles. And so I did.

My very wise friend works very. Long hours at multiple jobs and I have lost the ability to. Count the number. This of course means that more often than not when I call. He is sleeping or working or sleeping while. Working which could prove. Dangerous indeed.

Despite his insane. Schedule our conversations are always. Random and delightful and after speaking with him I always adore him more than I did. Before our conversation began which is quite impressive after ten years of kooky but. Wonderful friendship.

So last night we discussed voltage regulators and after additional. Research today I discovered that what he was referring to was a. Ballast resistor. I like the word. Ballast. And I am guessing that it is important to resist the Ballast. Perhaps I will design a bumper. Sticker that simply states: Resist the Ballast. But I already have far too many. Projects in various stages of completion so I may very well put this particular. Idea on my list of things to do which is so long that I cannot even find. Thing to do number twenty three anymore.

Although I have a fairly good idea what. Thing to do number twenty three might be and I am quite certain that there is a. Subsection "a" and subsection "b" but that is another matter entirely.

And in this moment I find myself. Entranced by words not merely. Ballast or. Resistor but the ways in which language can simultaneously mean and. Not mean and my. Love of the melody that words create when strung together specifically and. Alliterated in such a manner as to create something more than mere definition might provide. And I should not divulge, but will nevertheless that I would most. Certainly fall in love with an individual able to paint such melody with Words highlighting the beauty of language and when I fall in love under such circumstances. One should most certainly be quite careful indeed.

But such confessions are not the. Purpose of this post and perhaps hiding such a confession in the middle will enable me to determine how. Attentive you are to words and meaning and not meaning.

In earlier conversations I have. Told Very Wise that when he is no longer. Tattooing grapefruit which I am so proud of him for. Tattooing grapefruit because it is one more step. Forward and also because I happen to enjoy grapefruit that. When he is no longer inking fruit and when he eventually decides to. Develop his own non-fruit inking establishment that I would be most interested in. Running said establishment of the non-fruit inking variety. And it isn't that we would discriminated against. Grapefruit or any other fruit but simply that they. Probably do not meet the legal age requirement.

And I do not know if he knows that I am. One hundred percent serious because I am often not serious and we often speak of. Silly things but. I would love to run such an. Establishment and perhaps combine it with an. Art gallery of sorts. Perhaps when and if this ever occurs Very Wise will be twice as old as me.

It could happen. The twice as old thing that is. For once I was twice as old as Very Wise because I am hip to some. Crazy mathematics.

And so it seems that I have been pondering a great many things as of late as I. Often am pondering a great many things. And as of late said ponderings have included such. Things as the intricacies of the. Back seat of my vehicle and wondering if my boss truly does have. Audio or video recording equipment in his office. Perhaps I should have. Sex on his desk one evening and determine if this is so. And let me be clear that I do not have any desire to have. Sex with my boss but merely to determine whether or not he is truly paranoid enough to record the comings and goings in his. Office no pun intended.

I would wager that. He has the entire office audio and. Video recorded reviewing the footage on. Weekends with popcorn and a bottle of. Red wine except for the fact that he seems to. Have a rather full social calendar.

But as I often do I. Digress and do not want to imply that I have pondered only that which I have. Referenced above for my. Ponderings have extended to a great many ideas as they often do including but not limited to. Secret projects and artistic collectives and collaborations. Seemingly silly notions of running off to unfamiliar territories for undisclosed periods of time and. Yams. Delicious yams.

As of late I feel as though I have lived my. Life in a very safe and responsible manner with the exception of. Tumultuous teenage years which I do not believe count for much. And so I wonder how I might be able to tip the. Scale so that I might ponder. Less and enact said ponderings. More but in this moment I have only random thoughts suspended in. Lime Jell-O so if you have suggestions please drop them in. The box.

And that is all for. This moment until the next moment which. Could be soonish. Indeed. But most likely not before. I procure a. Ballast resistor.

Grrrl Makes Committment -- Film at Eleven

The truth is. I fear committment. And it isn't easy being commitment phobic. Because people tend to think you're weird. And it's not that I generally mind people thinking that I'm weird. Truthfully I am a bit on the weird side. And I wouldn't have it any other way. But this is a different kind of weird that people are thinking. What I am referring to is a weird that causes people to look at you as if you have some deep dark aspect of your personality that has yet to surface. Something that will shock and horrify those around you. Perhaps something serial killer-esque. And so people begin to wonder what I must be hiding.

I don't have any dark secrets. Simply this semi-irritating fear of commitment. Clearly not a secret or even secret-esque. At least...not anymore.

But something changed recently. And I'm not sure when or how exactly. But it did. Changed. And then something happened.

I committed.

Let me reiterate that if I may. I made a commitment. And I have shocked myself by doing so. One long conversation later and I had agreed to commit. The words just seemed to spill from my lips. I do not quite recall how it happened. As I began to travel home following said conversation and subsequent agreement I had time to sit with myself in silence.

And then I lost it.

It was full blown panic. Certain that I had made a mistake. Worried that everything would fall apart. Fucked up kind of freakin' out. Some time after the panic had become full blown my dear friend Soy was forced to witness said panic. And he did his best to reassure me. Kind soul that he is. Despite his efforts I continue to freak the fuck out. Because I had committed. And I couldn't actually believe that such a thing could have happened. To me no less.

I began to "what if" the committment up and down. Left and right. Forward and backward. And then I played a game of "Worst Case Scenario" with myself -- because I have a stellar imagination. I thought about ways to get out of my committment without making a complete and utter mess of the situation. I couldn't think of any viable options.

Then I realized something. Or perhaps I should say that I remembered something. Life is an adventure. We must be willing to take a risk in order to learn and grow and live a full existance. And then my freak out made perfect sense. It was clear that I has was afraid. And my fear of commitment was simply fear of failure...and success.

So I guess I am pretty fucked up. But hell, who isn't? So I stopped trying to make excuses. And I didn't do anything to sabotage myself -- one of my stronger skills. I am looking forward to the road that I am about to travel upon.

Well...as soon as I get the damn title transferred which has proven to be more challenging than originally anticipated. But more on my hatred of Department of Licensing at a later time.

So yeah...I bought a car. What the hell did you think I was talking about?