Tiiiiiiiiimmmee Ain't on my Side. No it Ain't!

I have to tell you. I am exhausted! Seriously exhausted. Everything about me is exhausted. My brain is exhausted. My left ankle is exhausted. My nose is most certainly exhausted. Even my right earlobe is exhausted. I have exhausted intestines. My pancreas is very exhausted. The lower lobe of my left lung is exhausted. My blood cells feel quite exhausted. Even my mitochondria is exhausted. Do I have mitochondria? I don't know. My exhausted brain cannot remember anything I learned in college.

My exhaustion and sudden realization of said exhaustion causes me to realize that I have a question. And my question is simple. Here we go. How do people manage to wake up and make the bed and eat a healthy breakfast and get themselves together and go to work and travel to work and work an entire day and manage to drink enough water and maybe even eat lunch and accomplish everything they need to accomplish at their job and travel home from work and prepare and eat a healthy dinner and sift through junk mail and clean the bathroom and pay their bills and do laundry and exercise and spend quality time with friends and/or family and do something productive such as volunteer or finish an art project or plant a garden or read a good book or stay informed on current events or write their congressperson or read the damn voter's pamphlet and maybe even relax for a moment or two and then go to bed early enough to get a full night of sleep so the whole damn thing can repeat the next morning???

Notice the questioning punctuation. Because I REALLY want to know. And I really want to know how someone does it because I am -- as I have previously expressed -- incredibly exhausted in my attempt. I am also incredibly behind schedule. I am not "doing it" because I cannot seem to find the time to do everything. And maybe that's the problem.

How do we do everything. I know what you are going to say. You are going to tell me that one cannot possibly do everything and therefore one must make choices and prioritize the things of importance. But what if everything on the list is important? And the important things do not even make the list. What then?

There is all this talk about the decline of the family unit and blah blah blah. People are making a bigger "to do" than ever about what it means to be a family and how a family should be defined and what a family should be and so on and so forth. This isn't about any of those so-called conversations that are happening. But if it were about those conversations that shouldn't even be conversations I would say this. Get as many damn people as possible in the family to help with all this crap! Seriously people. This is a cultural SOS. How the hell are we supposed to find time to do all this crap? And what about people who have children? I cannot even imagine their lives. Granted they have chosen to procreate. They have made their proverbial bed. But seriously how do those people do it when I cannot even come close?

If I could afford it I would rent a wife. Someone who could do my laundry (and put it away!) A person who could prepare all of the healthy meals that I need to eat. I wouldn't even mind if they were prepared ahead of time and frozen. I would be fine with warming them up. Someone who could make my bed and clean the bathroom and make sure the mail is brought in and organized. Someone who could pay my bills when they need paying so I don't forget because there's nothing worse that having the money to pay a bill, but forgetting to pay it and then getting a late fee tacked on. Someone who could renew my car tabs and put more oil in ol' S.G. when she needs it. Someone who would gently remind me that I haven't been to the gynecologist in more than a year and a half and might even make an appointment for me to force me to go.

How much would I pay for this service? Well. This of course is the problem. Everything is becoming more expensive in the city. And wages are not increasing to match said increased expenditures. Unless of course you work for UNNAMED ENORMOUS TECHNOLOGY COMPANY or a similar high paying industry. But I do not. So what is the "little guy or gal" to do? I can't afford to pay someone to do even some of the aforementioned tasks for me. Living in the city is challenging enough. As it is I have resigned myself to the fact that if I want to remain in the city I will never be able to afford a house, townhouse, condo, or even a garage.

I am curious at the fact that we are expected to do more and more. I am also curious as to what this means with respect to our mental, physical and emotional health and well being. I wonder how our quality of life is impacted. And more than anything I would love to find a solution.

Not for the rest of you...for me. I've got enough on my plate!

Attention. Attention. Attention.

I have been thinking. Since my last post I have not stopped thinking. And it isn't that I typically take a hiatus from thought. But I believe it is fair to say that there is a great deal going on around me and this has propelled me into an adjusted state of thinking about thoughts.

Quite a number of friends of mine have recently articulated varying degrees of difficulties that they are currently facing. And in their challenges I find myself questioning bits and pieces and fragments of my own life. It is a curious position.

I cannot help but wonder if there is a lesson in the difficulties those I care about are currently experiencing. I cannot help but feel that there is something I am supposed to be watching closely. I have been thinking a great deal about my experience with the crow. This is mostly due to the fact that my crow friend or foe once again flew about me in a way that caused me to take notice of his or her presence.

So now I vacillate between logical explanations and curious omens. My personality is split such that I could easily find an answer in either explanation. However to choose would only make me question my own decision moments later in favor of the alternative. Today I found the crow and told him or her that I was paying attention. No crow attack occurred.

And I am paying attention. Perhaps too much. I find myself noticing very small things and making efforts to determine how the pieces fit in my life. Or more importantly whether I want them at all. I believe it is time for something different. Only I do not know what that different should resemble. The only thing I am sure of in this moment is that nothing as it currently exists is safe from possible removal.

Curiouser and curiouser.

Two Days of Reading Tea Leaves

On edge. I have been. Admittedly. I feel shaken. Not stirred. And my gin has become bruised. I am naive. But no one seems to believe that possible. I possess the optimism of a child. But there are very few that actually know who I am. Anymore.

The burn surfaced. And everything became clear. My melancholy was spread out before me. And in one instant I understood. I am the caricature of a character in a non existent novel depicted in a mediocre film.

But I am not counting brush strokes. Rather I believe that have allowed myself to accept less as enough. And because I so much want to believe in half-full glasses I smile and nod. Sometimes the smiling and the nodding are not always beneficial. The art of diplomacy can also find its end in tragedy.

This will make no sense unless you understand. If you understand it may continue to remain non-sensical. But it will make perfect sense all the same. I want a life filled with those who will make me eat cookies.

I didn't realize I was falling. I developed amnesia. But I think I am remembering now. Remembering all of the things that I never learned. And now there must be something different.

But that was last evening. When everything was clear. This morning something happened. And now I feel as though everything I thought I learned in an instant was perhaps wrong.

As I was walking to the twenty-eight I was followed by a crow. And perhaps a more accurate description is that I was stalked. I felt a swoosh of air and heard a loud cawing. And the flapping of wings I could almost feel against my skin. But he or she did not rest. Rather this crow continued to fly past me in extremely close proximity. Flapping and cawing. This occurred several times until I turned the corner at the end of the block.

And then I missed my stop. The twenty eight passed the corner of "this street and that" without notice. I looked up and realized that I was several blocks south of "that". Something unusual seemed to be occurring. But what I could not say.

I continued. Far too busy to consider it in any depth. Until I read T's recent post. And then I could not help but wonder if the universe was trying to tell me something. Maybe everything I thought I understood last night was wrong wrong wrong. Maybe there are things more important that I have failed to recognize. Or maybe I am misreading everything entirely. How does one know the most accurate way to interpret emotion and signs and words and actions.

I have no secret message decoder. If you find one please let me know.

12,410 * 24 = 297,840

Once upon a time I was born. It is not uncommon for me to post something reflective on or around the day of my birth. However I am not feeling particularly reflective at the moment. I believe this is due to the fact that I have been incredibly busy as of late. Both personally and professionally. I have been distracted and I have not had much opportunity for reflection. And maybe this is good because I do have a tendency to over-reflect.

But I am wondering how it is possible that another year has passed so quickly. 12,410 -- give or take a few -- is a rather large number of direct oxygen breathing days. How do these things happen. Yes, yes. Rhetorical. But if someone could explain how time is able to pass so quickly on some occasions and so slow on other occasions it would be appreciated. I am particularly curious as to explanation behind the scientifically proven fact that time does indeed take two or three and sometimes four times as long to pass when one's body is prone on an examination table with a speculum inserted into one's girl parts. Perhaps the reason that I do not understand the scientific principle behind this phenomena is due to the fact that I did not enjoy the year of physics I was forced to take while attending college and missed the lesson that discussed this principle.

As an aside I occasionally see my college physics professor while waiting for the bus in the morning. It seems that we both reside in the same neighborhood. I have been tempted to approach him at times and inform him that he was the worst instructor I have ever had to suffer through during my many years of formal education. I have not done this. But that could change for I have heard that age tends to make an individual say things they might not otherwise be inclined to say.

Another interesting and seemingly unrelated side note I will share is that I have never personally known anyone who was born on this day. This is still somewhat the case. Somewhat because although I am not personally in the know, the man I am currently in a relationship with has a former partner who was born today as well. I find this comical, but also incredibly convenient for it is far less likely that he will forget the day due to this fortunate albeit odd coincidence. It would be more interesting if we were also born in the same year. Alas this is not so.

Despite 297,840 seconds and counting I have no words of wisdom. Actually it hasn't been 297,840 seconds as of yet, because I was born in the evening. But that is not the point. The point is rather than imparting my lack of wisdom to you all today I am more interested in the wisdom that you might have to share with me. I still have a great deal to learn and since I do not have as much time as I once did I could certainly use the added assistance.

And in case you're wondering I'm not very fond of cake. But cash is always accepted.

Take a Flying Fuck at the Moooooooooooooon!

I am sitting in my office. I am typing on my super cool "natural ergonomic" keyboard. I am drinking coffee which is swill-ish in nature. I am eating a pop tart. I am wearing flip flops.

I am doing all of these things simultaneously. Wait. That is inaccurate. I am not simultaneous drinking coffee and eating a pop tart. I eat a bite of tart. Chew thoroughly. Swallow. Moments later I take a sip of coffee. And then swallow. I do not simultaneously have a piece of tart and a sip of coffee in my mouth together. It would make for a soggy tart. And that would be gross. Maybe not to some, but to me it would be foul.

This is not the point of this post, but I thought you should know.

I must confess that I did not in fact have a point when I began typing. But then I glanced at the morning newspaper headlines. And I found this article:

Combined Effort Aims to Stop Suicides off Aurora Bridge

I read the article and I have questions. My first question is rhetorical. As is typical with my rhetorical questions there will be no question affiliated punctuation. But I want my rhetorical question to be clear. So I will assist you. I will segregate my question so there will be no confusion.

Who cares.

Yes. Who cares. Clearly I do not. And let me share with you one of the reasons why I could give a flying fuck less. If individuals wish to jump off the Aurora Bridge to their death or permanent disfigurement or merely for the hell of it why should I be concerned. It amuses me that we live in a world where we value our right to personal choice often to the death -- no pun intended -- yet suicide or merely bridge jumping is deemed unacceptable.

Toothpaste is a good example of our obsession with personal choice. We can choose among various brands of toothpaste. I cannot even count the total number of toothpaste brands available in your average toothpaste retail location. We can choose either a paste or gel. Toothpaste flavors are so plentiful I can barely keep up. I have witnessed at least seven different types of mint alone. We can choose the "special features" we wish our toothpaste to impart upon our teeth and gums. Tartar control. Whitening. Breath freshening. Toothpaste for sensitive teeth. Sensitive gums. Fluoride. No fluoride. Baking soda. Various herbs and spices. We can choose whether we want our toothpaste to be contained in a tube or a pump. We can even choose organic toothpaste.

It's overwhelming. But this is the United States of America and apparently we value personal choice so much -- even with respect to our toothpaste -- that we must have a three foot by two foot section of shelving devoted to this tooth cleaning product.

But if someone chooses to jump off of a bridge that is somehow deemed socially unacceptable. We must "do something" to stop it. Choice is not permitted. This brings me to my second question which is not rhetorical. How much money does the Washington State Department of Transportation intend to spend on trying to curb the bridge jumping "problem" as they see it? I imagine they will have an entire team including, but not limited to, psychological experts, public relations experts, engineering experts, construction experts, advertising experts, and graphic designers to name but a few.

And please understand I am not suggesting that we should not be providing services and resources for those who need them. But do we really feel the need to create an entire campaign to deter bridge jumping? There have always been suicidal individuals and there will always be suicidal individuals. Should we put suicide hot line telephone numbers on razor blades, knives, rope, aspirin bottles, or the barrel of a gun. Each of these items and many many more are all used to assist in committing suicide. They are also used to shave, cut bread, reduce fevers, and hunt for food.

It is important to keep in mind that bridges are primarily used to assist people in getting from one place to another over a body of water. Perhaps the solution is to cease in the building of bridges completely. Rather we could simply fill every body of water. That would solve the problem entirely. It would also solve the problem of individuals who attempt to commit suicide by drowning. In fact why don't we just ban water.

How many warning labels and advertising campaigns do we really need. Again, rhetorical I know.

I don't mean to be insensitive. But I feel that we as a society often fail to think logically about problem solving. We fail to analyze which solutions are reasonable and which are not. We are blinded by emotion and feel even if a solution is illogical it should be undertaken so as not to seem insensitive to the needs of others.

Let us remain sensitive to the needs of all, but continue to use our logic and intellect in the process. Actions should not be undertaken because they give the impression of concern. Rather they should be undertaken because they are sound and just. Rather than slapping a band aid on a bridge, perhaps we should try to reach out and connect more directly with our fellow human beans for we could all benefit from reassurances that we are wonderful and worthy and valued.