Correction Rejection and Repetitive Inflection

Sometimes I wonder about many things. Little things. Big things. Medium sized things. All sorts of shapes and sizes and textures and colors of things. Wacky things. Tacky things. Things. In general. I wonder quite a bit. But today I started thinking about common sensical sorts of things.

So. It is Tuesday morning. Afternoon actually. But for some reason it sounded better to say morning. But it was afternoon. Tuesday. So I understand that sometimes folks are a bit off. Because it is only one day after Monday. And Monday can be difficult. At least those individuals for whom Monday is actually Monday. And therefore Tuesday is actually Tuesday. For some Monday is actually Thursday. Or Saturday. Maybe even Tuesday. But for me. Monday is Monday. And Tuesday is Tuesday. So it's Tuesday afternoon and I am returning a call to an employee at a local correctional facility that shall remain nameless.

So I call the number that I think is this individual's direct line. But it isn't. Instead I get some weird recording. This means that I must now call the main number.

Sigh.

I HATE calling the main number. Do you know what happens when you call the main number. Well I will tell you. You get to talk to whomever answers the main number who does not want to speak with you or help you or provide you any information or know anything you want to know anyway.

I have called the main number before. And the main number is ALWAYS bad. But at this particular correctional facility it is particularly bad.

But wait. I almost forgot about option two. Option two at this particular main number permits you to enter the first three letter corresponding numbers of the person's last name whose extension you desire and it will provide you with said extension. Excellent. I am excited. So I call. Press two. Enter the proper numbers corresponding to letters. And wait.

Nothing. Damn. Maybe I mis-dialed. I try again. Crap. It isn't working. I must speak with the main number operator.

As previously stated the main number is bad. And speaking with the main number operator is mind numbing. It is enough to make you want to get all Helter Skelter on someone's ass. Let me provide an example.

Main Number Operator: NAME OF FACILITY, is this call in reference to an inmate?

Little Ol' Me: Actually no. I am calling from a law office in Seattle and I need to speak with someone about gaining access to the facility to visit a client.

Main Number Operator: [silence]

Little Ol' Me: Hello?

Main Number Operator: [more silence]

Little Ol' Me: So uh...can you transfer me to whomever I am supposed to speak with about that? Maybe?

Main Number Operator: Is this call in reference to an inmate?

Little Ol' Me: Well not exactly you see I just need to...

Main Number Operator: Inmate's name please.

Little Ol' Me: Well I need to visit our client. His name is ENTER NAME HERE.

Main Number Operator: How can I help you?

Little Ol' Me: I work for a law firm. ENTER NAME HERE is our client. I need to visit him so that he can sign some documents. I need to know who to speak with to obtain access to the facility.

Main Number Operator: Is this call in reference to an inmate?

And you all know that I am prone to occasionally bouts of exaggeration. But I am not exaggerating. This actually happened. I had to call three times and finally I was transferred to the Warden's secretary who was able to direct me appropriately. In case you were wondering, she was quite helpful, but it is a challenge to get anyone to transfer you to her directly.

So this time the conversation was a bit different. It sounded like this.

Main Number Operator: NAME OF FACILITY, is this call in reference to an inmate?

Me Again: Uh no actually. I'm calling from a law office in Seattle and I need to speak with UNNAMED EMPLOYEE. And I'm hoping that you could please give me his direct extension as well. I was unable to obtain it by using the touch tone directory. I must be butchering his name.

Main Number Operator: No. You said his name just fine. That's how it's pronounced.

Me Again: No. I mean that I must be misspelling it when I type it into the touch tone directory that is supposed to provide me with the extension number. Does he spell it like this: LETTER-LETTER-ANOTHER LETTER-LETTER-LETTER-LETTER?

Main Number Operator: Yes.

Me Again: Odd. I am not sure why it didn't provide me with the extension. Can you provide me with that information please.

Main Number Operator: Ma'am I am not allowed to give out extension numbers.

Me Again: Oh. But you have a directory that I can access if I know the spelling of the last name.

Main Number Operator: Ma'am I am not permitted to give out that information.

Me Again: Okay uh. Can you please transfer me to his extension?

Main Number Operator: Well he's gone for the day.

Me Again: Does he have voice mail?

Main Number Operator: Yes.

Me Again: Could you please transfer me to his voice mail?

Main Number Operator: Hold on one moment ma'am.

Me Again: [holding on]

Main Number Operator: Still there?

Me Again: Uh huh.

Main Number Operator: Is this call in reference to an inmate?

Me Again: Uh...you were going to transfer me to UNNAMED EMPLOYEE'S voice mail.

Main Number Operator: He's gone for the day ma'am. Do you want me to transfer you.

Me Again: Yes please.

Now. Given the above two examples, I could say a great deal about the folks who answer the main number. Maybe they only hire people with zero short term memory. Perhaps everyone working there has some sort of head injury. But what really gets me is that this guy would not give me this particular employee's extension number EVEN THOUGH THEY FREAKING HAVE A "PUSH TWO FOR A DIRECTORY OF EXTENSIONS" option when you call.

So. If I am fortunate enough to be able to spell the last name appropriately. And the moon and the stars are aligned properly. And it isn't a Monday Wednesday or Thursday afternoon. Then maybe just maybe I can freakin' push two and enter the information and get a freakin' extension number. But otherwise I am shit out of luck. And I have to deal with. The freakin' lack of common sense having main number operator.

And what is it with this "is this call in reference to an inmate" question. I mean isn't virtually every call in some way shape or form in reference to a freakin' inmate. It's a damn correctional facility. What else could I be calling about.

I suppose this could be a personal call for UNNAMED EMPLOYEE but then I would probably have his direct freakin' extension.

Unless of course he was not permitted to give it out.