Go Letting and Off Track Betting on Something Seemingly Non-Static

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to completely let go. I feel as though I am on the edge of said go letting. As if some chemical reaction could be set into motion at any moment by the addition of an out of control element. And everything would change.

As of late I have been...distracted. And thinking. For much of my life I have felt as if my interests are too varied and diverse. This of course means that I have far too many unfinished projects. And I can do a little bit of everything but only half-assed. Some might say this is classic Gemini. I have other ideas and believe strongly that I learned to be this way. Thanks M.

Sometimes I think about packing up a vehicle and disappearing for a while. I could travel to Neah Bay or New Mexico or one of those middle states that I have never seen. It might help if I actually had a vehicle to pack up. Try something completely different. Become a "real" photographer. Or actually attempt to publish something I have written. Or play random kitchen items percussively on small town street corners. And then I get all responsible and shit. Turn off the alarm clock. Get my ass out of bed. And go to the office.

And I am one of those fortunate people. I actually like my job. Seriously. Stop laughing. I do. But I have learned that this one thing alone cannot define me.

But sometimes I become self conscious and doubting. And I do not know if I am more afraid of success or failure. The fact that I have so many talented human beans in my life is both wonderful and frustrating. Sometimes I am witness to the talent they exude from their pores and I feel inadequate about my own abilities. I am delighted by their creations. Proud of them at every turn. But I feel as though nothing that I could ever do would ever measure up. They are supercalifragilisticexpaladocious. I am a phony.

And then there are the distracting moments. Perhaps I should not discuss the distracting moments. But in these small moments I typically observe something that reminds me how much I have grown to adore you. Little moments that I derive a great deal of pleasure from because I find people fascinating. Moments in which the true nature of the individual begins to surface and with that comes eccentricities and delightful habits that could easily go unnoticed.

But I notice.

You may feel that I am shifting gears. Perhaps a disconnect. But my distractions as of late are intimately intertwined into everything articulated thus far.

Seriously dude.

Perhaps I should take bets. Or at least a survey. Or poll of sorts. Determine whether or not I should travel to India to study tabla. Or take a road trip to the desert to photograph endangered lizards and secret government test sites. Maybe I should move to Hungary to write silly stories about socks. Perhaps I should do all of these things. Or other things. And take you with me.

Please feel free to post suggestions. Particularly if you are in a position to fund some sort of grant for me to undertake said suggestion.