Inspiration Contemplation and Self Deprecation

Last night. I was. Inspired.

For those of you that know me. You know that I have been obsessed. Obsessed with the Secret Chiefs 3. And last night. Secret Chiefs 3 played a show in Seattle. Let me just explain that this show. Blew my fucking mind. In a way that I cannot even begin to articulate in this moment. And perhaps the moment does not need articulation. Those present may. Very well. Understand. Not to mention that Trey Spruance worked his own merchandise table. Well. I suppose I did just mention it so I do not know why I utilized the phrase "not to mention" when I was mentioning. The point. He did. And. Well. I may need a moment to compose myself. Or two.

So. After the performance. I felt somehow renewed. Inspired in such a way that. All of the concerns that have washed over me. In the past week. Seemed to. Not so much vanish. But not feel so concerning. Anymore.

You see. I have been feeling a tad bit frustrated as of late. Some time ago I decided to push myself out of my comfort zone. It was time. I had an idea for a photography project. Different than anything I have attempted in the past. And I began this project. Not really having any idea as to what in the hell I was doing. So I began. And let me just say that I am learning. But not. Fast. Enough.

So I have been. Frustrated. And I realize that life is all about making mistakes. In order to learn and grow and evolve. This is essential. And the only way to make said mistakes is to. Try new things. Different things. Things that you do not know. So. That is what I have been doing.

And this means. That I have been. Stumbling.

If I am going to truly learn and grow and evolve. The way I want to learn and grow and evolve. Then I must admit something. Right here. Right now. I must admit it. That I have had this tendency to do things that I know how to do. To do things that I do well. And to in some way avoid those things that I do not know how to do. Well.

Or completely avoid said things by any means necessary. Avoidance. I think my next post will pontification on avoidance. Anyway.

It isn't that I am not a risk taker. But. Perhaps. In some way. I am afraid to fail. So I avoid things. Things that I know I do not know.

But here is the thing. And perhaps why this is so difficult.

I have the most amazingly creative and talented and supportive friends that anyone could possible dream of having. In so many ways I have had the privilege of meeting and knowing the most beautiful people. They inspire me. And at the same time I wonder if anything that I am working on can ever measure up.

Measure up. Measure up to what. I do not really understand why I feel such a need to do whatever it is I am going to be doing at expert level. Particularly if it is something that I have not previously attempted. This clearly cannot be the case. Yet. That feeling. Lingers. Perhaps I am not as tough as I thought.

It is not easy to place pieces of yourself out there in the universe. But I think that it is essential. I believe that we all must place pieces of ourselves into the universe. This is intimacy. Real intimacy that often does not exist between people. Among humanity. It is in these beautiful intimate moments that we see and hear and taste and touch and smell everything. These small intimate moments. Moments of utmost simplicity. Moments that are life altering.

It is in these moments that we find everything we could possibly need. And in the sharing of these moments that we realize the connectedness of humanity. Everything becomes clear.

And I know that in this moment. My life is traveling in a necessary direction. I am encountering people that I am meant to encounter. As we always do encounter those people we are meant to encounter. But it is beautiful when we can see the reason that we were meant to share a moment. When we know exactly why such interactions take place. Yet. At the same time. We must be open to the possibility that there are reasons that might not always be so apparent. Reasons that we could not. Imagine.

So. I am pressing on. Pushing through. Against wind and fire and smoke. And I know that I will be better for it. In the end. I encourage you all to do the same.