Wouldn't it be great if we were all a bit more honest with one another. Well. Wouldn't it. I think it would. And I have learned something. The something I have learned with respect to this topic is that everyone and I mean everyone because I do not know an anyone who does not fit into this everyone generalization. Everyone always seems to say "wouldn't it be great if we were all a bit more honest with one another" or some sort of permutation of that sentiment.
So why aren't we more honest with one another. And more important. Why aren't we more honest with ourselves.
This is curious. We all seem to want something. Honesty. Yet we seem to be unable to attain said something. Perhaps this means that we do not really want this thing. With said aforementioned thing being honesty. Or maybe we only want it as long as we are able to receive honesty in exactly the way we want to receive it. And what I mean is I think that we want others to be honest with us provided that they tell us exactly what we want to hear.
And this never ever happens.
Yes. We know this never ever happens or we are afraid that it will never ever happen and so we convince ourselves that we do not really want honesty. But at the same time we are unable to admit that we do not really want honesty.
Perhaps we believe that the fantasy that we have created in our mind is better. However. I will be the first one to admit. And I now know that I am not alone in this admittance. Thank you very much for admitting this tendency by the way. And you know who you are. But I will not out you here. Anyway. I am admitting. Yes. I am admitting that when I do not know something that I want to know I will create whatever it is I want to know in my mind. I will not only create whatever it is I want to know in my mind. I will create the worst possible scenario. The most insane fantastical situation. An explanation that it most unpleasant. And if this is true. Then why in the world wouldn't I and others want honesty. For it surely must be better than the horrific tale my imagination is able to conjure up. But perhaps we believe that our horrific tale might in fact be true. And so we do not really want to know for sure. Therefore. We do not really want honesty.
Yet we pretend to continue to want honesty. And then everything gets all fucked up. Why does it get fucked up. Simple. Or not so simple. At any rate. I will provide an example to explain. If you tell me that you crave honesty. Real old-fashioned handmade no preservatives added honesty. I will be honest in such a manner. Or at least I will make every possible attempt to be honest in such a manner. But you do not really want me to be honest. You actually want me to tell you XYZ. And I cannot tell you XYZ. Because you have not told me anything about XYZ. I do not know that you are even thinking about anything remotely related to XYZ. Or maybe I do know. And I cannot tell you XYZ due to this honesty that you say you crave. So when I speak to in the manner of the old-fashioned no preservatives added honesty. You become upset. And I might very well know that you are upset. Yet I will not understand. Most likely it will be because I haven't addressed XYZ. Because I do not know that is what you want me to address. Yet I will not be aware of the fact that this is why you are in fact. Upset. Confusion will set in. Hence. Everything will get all fucked up.
I have been there. So have you. More likely than not on both sides of the equation.
And here is what I know. I know that I do not want to "be there" anymore. Not with you or anyone else. I do not want to be on either side of the equation. And this isn't to say that I will probably ever stop wanting to hear what I want to hear. For I am equally guilty of this tendency. But I would rather hear something that is honest. Perhaps we fear that honesty will always be negative. And this is not true. Nothing can always be negative. The world simply does not work in this way. Perhaps the honesty. If we were to permit ourselves to speak it and to hear it. Would be better than whatever it was we wanted to hear that prevented us from honesty in the first place.
See. It's confusing.
So I have made this pact. Mostly it is a pact with myself. However I mentioned said pact in passing to a friend recently. The same aforementioned friend who admitted to creatively creating answers to unspoken questions. I do not know if said friend knew that I was completely serious about said pact. But the pact is simple. I vow to be more honest in my relationships with everyone I know. And everyone I sort of know. Even with those of you that I do not know. I will be more honest. And I sincerely hope that you will do the same with me.
As an aside. But not exactly a digression. I am reminded of a statement made by my very wise friend. He once told me that if you want something you must "ask for it by name" and he is correct. This is the heart of this honesty thing. How can I possibly know what you want unless you ask for it by name. And how can I possibly know that you know what I want unless I ask for it by name. But I am guilty. Guilty of not asking for it by name. In fact. I have probably not asked for it by name recently. Perhaps we are afraid that if we ask for it by name we will be rejected. And rejection. Well. That is most certainly a topic for an entirely separate post.
But I was talking about a pact. I said that I was going to be more honest with you and that I expected the same in return. And why do I say "more" honest. Simple. I do not believe it is necessary to be one hundred percent completely honest about everything. I am certainly not going to go up to a complete stranger and say something mean just because it is a thought I happen to be having at the time. No. I am talking about honest about the things that really matter. And we all know what these things are so I do not feel the need to make a list.
I have always thought that I was a fairly honest person. Perhaps it is my east coast bluntness. It often startles people when I say things in such a straightforward manner. But I know that I have moments in which I do not speak about things that are important. I do not often share my feelings easily. And I am fairly skilled at avoiding.
As of late I have had some rather polar experiences. I have experienced communication challenges with individuals that were confusing enough to propel me into a killing spree. And I have experienced amazing moments of communication. Moments of intimacy that were deeply honest and in experiencing such uh...experiences I understood. I understood that I cannot accept anything less from myself or from others in my life. And I will not. This does not mean that people always communicate with one another easily. We all stumble. And there are things that we do not always feel comfortable communicating. But perhaps when we are stumbling we can simply explain that we are in a stumbling moment. If there are things we cannot easily discuss we can share that our comfort level has been reached. And most importantly. If there are things that we must say we can find the courage to say them.
We never know what life will bring. And so I wish for myself and for you the courage to develop such honesty and enact it in your life. I wish for myself and for you the courage to always ask for it by name. In other words. I suppose what I am saying is that. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. And I could be instantly killed. Or I might be in a permanent vegetative state. In which case I would hope that one of you will pull the plug. Quickly. But I digress. So. Where was I. Oh yes. I could be hit by a bus tomorrow. And then. You would all feel guilty. Guilty for not telling me how amazing you think I am and how much you love me. So what you are waiting for. And really. What in the world are we all waiting for.
* Credit to my very wise friend for the phrase "ask for it by name" which I could not have created if I tried. And special thanks for reminding me to use said phrase. Even though I seem to "forget" to use it when it is often most in need of being used.
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